Dear Me,

You're 7 years old and your grandparents are your best friends. You've spent the last 2 years learning the greatest "life lessons" from Grandma on how to be a big girl. She let's you wear her pearl earrings every Sunday to Mass. She gives you a ring on your first day of school, you'll keep it forever. But please remember not to let your sister "borrow" it one day. She won't return it for 2 years and it will be pretty beat up. But most of all, remember to tell your grandparents how much you love them, and love spending time with them. They'll go to pick you up one day during summer vacation, you won't be home, but you'll never see them again. And the people who murdered them, will still be alive.

Now you're 9. You've gotten holiday cards from Grandma Frances and Grandpa Nick for almost every thing you could imagine. You talk to them on the phone a lot, but you haven't seen them since you were 5. Make sure and bug your parents to take you on a trip to see Grandpa at least once in this time. You need to say goodbye before your dad shows up at your school crying when he has the stroke.

You're in 5th grade now. You finally have your first major crush. Well beware sweetie, you will be crushing on this guy for the next 5 years of your life. Please tell yourself over and over that he's a complete asshole. Yes, you can use that word. Nobody is going to die because of it. Remember that nobodys friendship is worth this guy. Including Jazmin. She will go on to be the best friend you ever had. She is amazing.

You're in 7th grade now. You've met that girl Angela. And Yasmin. You guys will definitely be best friends for the next 6 years. I can't tell you much beyond that, because it's here I'm at now. But from the looks of things, nothings changing anytime soon.

You're in 8th grade and being one of the captains of your color guard team is the one thing you want more than anything. I'm going to be blunt, you don't get it. Save yourselve the tears and drama for the whole year and just have fun with the team.

9th grade and you think you're "in love" with Chris. YOU'RE NOT. Please, please, please, PLEASE do not give something so precious like that to him. You're going to regret it. When Grandma Frances gets sick and you go to Texas, please don't bug your parents to go home. Chris will be there when you get back. He's not waiting for you. He's with Alexis. Hug Grandma and tell her you love her. It will be the last time.

You're a sophomore now and you like this Marco guy. GO FOR IT. Don't doubt yourselve. He's shy at first, you might need to come up to him first, for the first week or so, but it's so worth it. He is going to teach you so many things about yourself, he's going to become your best friend, he's going to make you laugh, cry and scream more than you ever have in your life so far. Spend as much time as you can with him, he makes you the happiest. Bring him around your family more, they'll like him and he'll feel appreciated. And when you meet your "best friend" Aron, do NOT fall for him. Marco will catch on, and you'll let him go as fast as you can. And eventually you will hurt him, even if he did the break-up. You ill hurt yourself a lot more though. In 3 years you will still be thinkng about him. And GET THIS! You know how he's always making fun of your brother, your brother and Armin are going to become best friends and he's going to be there A LOT. But don't make that promise to stay best friends with Marco, it wont happen and it will break your heart.

It's summer now. Marco's going to call you for the first time in months. But a week later you will see Marco with that new girl. You're going to cry all day long. In Hannah's arms, Aron's arms and Jazmin's. But you should really go with Jazmin to the beach the next day to see that one guy Carlos for his birthday. I know you don't like him at all, but eventually he will become the one person you turn to. He will be your best friend. And you will spend 2 years of your life making amazing memories with him. But don't smother him. I know you're scared to lose him, but it only pushes him away. You need him a lot more than you think.

You're in 11th grade now, Hannah's your bestestest best friend, for the time being. Make as many memories with her as you can. And don't let your grades drop because you want to ditch school to go see Carlos, or stay uplate on the phone with him instead of homework. Just trust me on this one. In April, when your dad asks you if it's okay if he goes to Vegas for 3 months to get back on his feet financially, tell him NO! It is the worst thing that could ever happen to you or your family. He will end up being there for 2 years, you will listen toyour mom cry herself to sleep every night, and you ill go through major depression your senior year.

You're a Senior now, it's the end. Go out with your friends more. Those birthdays and stuff that Alexis and the girls throw, GO. You don't want to be the outcast of the group. You wil have fun. I promise. Yasmin is the best person you know, and she's going to help you with a lot of problems you have coming up. When you're depressed, do whatever you can to go to school. You think that the classes don't matter, but I promise they do. And at graduation, whether your grandmas waiting at home or not, take pictures with your friends, all of them, and say goodbye.

College. Its you're 2nd week now and you get in a fight with Carlos. You cry so hard you start throwing up, You can't sleep and you go to sleep at 4am just to wake up at 6am. You get to school and tell yourself you can't make it the rest of the day. You throw up in the bathroom. But that's IT. You don't get sick anymore. DON'T TAKE THAT BUS HOME. You WILL regret it. You will never be so confused in your life if you go home. You're family will look down on you for it, and you won't get that 2nd chance that you're told you will be given. Just don't.

You're stronger than you think. More people love you than you can even think of. Tell your parents how much you love them, give them hugs, and talk to them. Because one day you will look at your mom and cry, and the most you'll get from your dad is a text a day, maybe. He loves you, he'll just have a new life with his girlfriend. Try to convince your sister to get a job sometime too, you don't want to watch your niece and nephew live off food stamps for 8 months. Get a job when you're 16, their is going to be a time when getting a job is REALLY hard, and with no experience, it's even harder. But it ill be when you need it the most. Laugh more, cry less. Don't eat when you're bored. And find good music anytime that you can. Never use the word regret. And when you think about your grandparents, you don't ALWAYS have to cry. They're happy now. If you would have found this saying earlier, you would have been a lot happier before. Live by it:

1. Whoever comes are the right people.
2. Whatever happens is the only thing that could have.
3. Whenever it starts is the right time.
4. When it's over, it's over.

A Twist in the Story.

I was reading over my old posts, it seems not much has changed. Which is horrible. I don't start school until October 19th, and I'm really nervous about it because I don't know anybody who is starting with me, and I've never even walked the National City campus. But I'm excited. It's something a lot more productive I can do all day. I have class Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Basically from 10:30-3:30. So I'm going to the Boys and Girls Club to talk to Stephanie, the program director, about getting a job at the Gift of Time. It will look really good as far as experience for when I apply for teaching jobs after I graduate. Not to mention, it's super fun working with the kids before and after school. And I can't complain about the pay, either. $10 an hour for a first job is not too bad. :) Toys R Us also sent me an e-mail. I'm considering working there Tuesday, Thursday, Saturdays and Sundays from the morning until 3:00 ish. Because the Gift of Time hours aren't tooo great. I'll be a little overwhelmed at first. But it's my only way to pay for clothes and books.
On to the next subject, hmmm. What else? My dad's kinda...eh. I don't know what to say about the whole situation anymore. I told him that my opinion on it is just way too different than his, I see things from my familys perspective, and he hasn't considered how it makes the family feel. So we agreed to disagree...kinda. It's weird. I used to see him every month. I havent seen him in almost 3 months now. I miss him a lot too. I actually cry about it. But things aren't the same. They're not going to be the same again. I guess I'll just have to adjust. I just want out of this house SO bad. I feel like I'm stuck choosing sides, live with mom or live with dad. And since I've stayed here, it's like I'm choosing my mom. But if I honestly had a choice, I would live on my own, no matter what it took. Because there's no way I'm going to Vegas, but there's no way I can stay in this house much longer. I have half a bedroom to myself in this place, and with a 2 year old nephew and 9 year old niece, they basically take over it. An 18 year old girl, sharing a room with a 17 year old boy should be illegal. Haha. It's seriously way too much for me to handle anymore. When we were 10 and 8, sure whatever. But I just don't have "me" time anymore, especially since he goes to school about once a week now. Ugh.
I'm going to the Britney Spears concert in 3 days! And let me tell you, I am STOKED about it. I haven't been to a real concert since I was like 12. And it was Britney. :) She puts on an amazing show, and I'm so lucky that my dad can afford to buy me a ticket. I really wanted to go with Judi, but my dad wasn't up for buying TWO tickets. So when Nour heard my dad say that, because she was at my house, she offered to buy one herself since she has money saved from working. And it all worked out. :0 Jazmin, my cousin/bestestest friend might be going too. Which makes me happier because she's the one who has gone with me to every other concert. :D
AHHH! I'm so excited. Speechless. But it still hasn't HIT me yet. It will Thursday morning though. I'vebeen a fan of hers since I was 7, literally. It was the world premiere of her very first video and I started freaking out because she had the same name as me. Haha. And ever since that day, I've memorized every song of hers, bought her DVD's, books and CD's, and even t-shirts. Haha. 11 years later and I'm going to her comeback tour. WHOO! :) Okay I'm rambling now. I'm off to go get ready to go buy a few things for the concert. :)
Until next time.....

I'm not going to lie.

I miss you.

And seeing you at school, is only going to make it harder.



Remember when we talked about how we would start together?
Things weren't supposed to be this way.

Stuck.

How am I supposed to tell her that the only reason I'm moving out is because of her? How am I supposed to explain that I'm moving with my dad, who just moved his girlfriend in from Texas this weekend. I honestly feel like nobody understands what I'M going through. It's always her, complaining and throwing a pity party for herself because she's missing something that was NEVER THERE in the first place, and my brother who only cares that this means he doesn't have money for clothes and no rides to his friends house. So what happens huh? I get the short end of the stick. Everyone takes everything out on me. And apparently, I'm worthless, a low-life who can't even get into college. HEY, way to boost my self-esteem guys. I can't wait to have my own place. And be able to start school again.

So, there's this boy

and I shouldn't be blogging about him, but I can't tell anyone other than Yasmin and Angela who he is, and Yasmin has no way of talking to me and Angela's been out of town.
Lalalalalalala. I don't even know where to start. :) I feel like singing. I don't even know why I'm writing this. Haha. Well to start off, he's not Carlos. :D He's the first crush I can say I've honestly had in 2 years. He's older, a little older than I'd like. :/ BUT, he doesn't act that old, and he says I seem way too mature for an 18 year old, so I guess we kinda balance eachother out. :) Uhmm, okay. Well he's WAYYY different than any other guy I've had feelings for. And I don't mean the whole "OMG he's so different, he has to be the one." I mean, he's not a prep, social, jock, anything. He's into rock, dresses how he wants, and doesn't care what people think. But at the same time, I've never met someone soooo considerate of people's feelings. He's a mommas boy. He went to MVH a few years ago. He's not all crazy into girls. His family loves me. He knows my family well, which is why I can't say who he is, yet. X) He has the most beautiful blue eyes I've seen on anyone. He gives me BUTTERFLIES. My heart goes all crazy and I can't stop smiling when he's around. We ended up talking til 3 am in the morning about...well EVERYTHING. Haha. He's THAT type of guy. I can tell him about crazy high school memories, and family stuff, or talk about religion, OH and btw he has the same belief as I do, which is SO rare to find in ANYONE these days, let alone a boy I like so much. And oh my lord, the boy can make me laugh SO freakin hard. It's unbelievable. Haha. And his laugh is so contagious too. We were laughing for a good 15 minutes straight at something my sister says and he goes "The crazy thing is, it wasn't even funny," which led to ANOTHER 10 minutes of laughing. Haha. He plays the guitar, piano and drums, that I know of. I'm sure much more. Oh, and he sings<3 He loves music, like me. He teaches me "life lessons" and he's so supportive of everything I've told him I want to do. He's totally into family. We started talking about like how we think we're going to be in our marriages, and it was just so funy how we were on the same page. He's looking forward to the imperfections of being married and kids. It's cute. He's supposed to be going to vegas with us in 2 weeks. I'm gonna be the babysitter, and he literally offered to take a day away from the clubs and partying with everyone else so I could go off and do something. I'm telling you, he's way too sweet. He has imperfections too though. He's a partier and involved in all that "stuff" that comes with it. Drinking, smoking, etc. Nothing I'm not around on a daily basis. But, he knows how I'm super straight edge unless it's like a rare occasion and I drink. But I think I've learned to look past it. Idkkk, I'm just happy just being around. I don't know if anything will come out of this, I'm not getting my hopes up because, well he's older and there's something else in the way I won't mention. BUT, there's time. lots of time. Why you ask? Oh, he's my neighbor. :D

Sigh.

Sometimes, I wish I could change things beyond my control. I don't like this feeling at all.
I feel like I go from the highest high to the lowest low within a day.


I started college. It's the summer session at SDSU. It's also mandatory for my Fall enrollment. At first I was so excited. New people, my professors are nice for the most part, free stuff, new area, more independence; but now I'm just overwhelmed. I have to cram a semesters worth of work into a 5 week session. And it's a class I would never take if I had the option, which is what college is supposed to be about; Options, your own choices, your own classes, your own major, to determine where you'll go. But, I'm stuck in a remedial english class, where I'm passing up all the kids in my class, because I've worked on that subject 3 years in a row. I'm not supposed to be in that class. If only I wasn't sick the day of the placement test. >:/ UGH.

As for the good in it, well there's not much really. Let's see, hmm............OH, okay, I'm learning the campus before everyone. Still a little confusing, especially that stupid Adam's Humanities building. -_- But I'm happy I've learned so much. Hmm, what else? Okay. Yeah. Boys. A really cute one to be specific. Who spends more time talking to me than anyone else in the class. Hmmm? ;) I'm stoked for the Fall semester. I met some AMAZING people in my major. They were Seniors and Juniors I believe, they helped me pick my classes, and register and explained the requirements for it. Tina and Daishanna are in that major as well. :) It's one of the smallest colleges on our camous, so it should be fun. I'm planning on joining the Student Ambassadors. I believe Tina wants to as well? It seems fun. :) And I have decided I want to live on campus next year, no doubt about it. There is no possible way I can experience the college life commuting from my house to campus. Not to mention, I HATE having my moms car then listening to her complain about not having a car use while she's at work. And gas, my gosh, it's ridiculous. So I'll live on campus, be involved, get good grades, meet new people, and learn even more about myself. :) I'm excited.


Tomorrow's a special day. It marks a day where I was the happiest I have ever been, 2 years prior.
Today, not so much, Horrible memories of last year. I really wish I could forget. But they're in my dreams. :O

.....

School Monday. Orientation on Saturday. I've been dreading it because the whole summer thing, but this summer's been a waste of time anyway. I sleep in, play mommy to my niece and nephew during the day, then watch movies or go on the computer at night. I'm so sick of it too. I can't wait til Monday. No more babysitting. I'll have the car. I can go get a job, FINALLY. I want to be more independent. Pay for my own school stuff and clothes and everything else I need. I have been since graduation, but now all my money has been spent on supplies and orientation and gas and other things like that and it's gone. :/ So, I need a job. Hopefully my dad will help out with the Summer tuition by August 24th. If not, I don't know what I'll do. I got a 2 on my AP Eng. Lit. test. If I would've just got a 3, I would have absolutely no worries right now. >:/ I'm tired of babysitting. I get told "Oh it'll only be 2 hours, and I end up babysitting from 9-5. Literally. And I get $20 a week! what kinda crap is that? I could make almost $20 in 3 hours if I charged her the right way. Ugh. I'm venting. I'm over this.

Hmm.

I don't completely understand why everyone thinks that being 18 means it would be a good idea to get engaged or married to the person you're "in love" with. Ridiculous. Out of all 9 young couples that I know of being engaged, or married, right now, there are only 2 that I believe should be, hands down. Vanessa and Jorge and Kayla and Ryan. Not that it's any of my business, or as if my opinion matters at all. I'm just shocked after realizing how many IMMATURE people truly believe they have the mindset to decide something that will change their future forever, for better or for worse. Haha. Most of these people barely even passed high school. >:/ But for the 2 couples that I truly believe are meant for eachother, I wish you nothing but the best and happiness through good times and bad. <3

My summer has been....... uneventful. The most boring summer I've had since I was about 13. All my best friends have their boyfriends to hang out with, and it's ALL they seem to do. -_- It's times like these when I do miss having someone. But then, I realize I start school in 2 weeks, and boys have done nothing but bad for me recently. So unless prince charming happens to stumble my way, white horse and all, I'm not even bothering. :)

School. 2 weeks. I have mixed emotions about it. College. Really? It still hasn't completely hit me yet. I'm sure it will though, fast and hard. I wish I didn't have to take this summer program. That's an extra $1000 I could put towards my car. Which reminds me, I finally got my license. It almost didn't happen because there was no car to test in, until about 45 minutes before the actual test. But it happened. And besides the fact that the guy giving me the test was a complete jerk >:/, I passed and I'm happy now. I suppose. I spent $50 on school supplies today. How? I honestly don't know. It was WalMart too. But I did, and I'm sure I have everything I need, plus much more. I wonder if anyone else enjoys getting new supplies like me. :p I used to think I was so weird for enjoying shopping for school supplies. I find it quite funny. I need to get the rest of my clothes. So far I've bought about, 5 shirts I think? Maybe 4. No jeans. >:/ I hate paying too much for jeans. Hate it. Hate it. But I'll have to give in some time. I need some. And a pair of sandles. Maybe a purse. I want 1 purse to use on a daily basis, instead of switching off. I'm going to have to do that.

Gas is getting expensive again. We've put in $50 in 2 days. :o We've gone a few places, but still. A few months ago $25 would have done the job. Ugh.

I find out tomorrow if we're leaving for Vegas on Thursday. I really hope so. I need to at least say I did at least one thing this summer.

Speechless.

Is it always going to be like this for us?
Will the day ever come when we decide enough is enough?
Being around you is amazing, but it scares me at the same time.
I'm sorry.

Banana Pancakes.

I love getting new clothes. :)
I spent a good 2 hours shopping with Angela on Monday, I only bought 2 shirts and a few Sweet Pea products because they were on sale for $4!
I want to go back and take my time shopping though, but I don't want to spend my money until I have a job.
I'm so weird sometimes.

I've been babysitting all day. I started to clean my room but got distracted once I moved my laptop somewhere new, which led me here.
I found a lot of old letters and birthday cards and pictures hidden in boxes. Some from as far back as middle school.
I kept the good stuff, threw away what I'd like to forget. Haha. Funny.
It seems so weird REorganizing my room. Throwing away all the high school stuff.
Notebooks, flashcards, science journals, etc.
My room is gonna seem empty. But hey, college is less than a month away now.
Gotta prepare for it now.
I have to pay for my orientatioin by July 1st or I'll have to pay more.
Plus, I have the summer admit orientation next tuesday.
Then the registration fees for Summer, loans for Fall, and I STILL need a car.
>:/ UGH!
I take my driving test Friday. Finally. My mom's boss decided to be generous enought to let me use her car for it. She's such a sweet lady. Maybe after I get the license my dad will hurry with this car stuff.
Oh, my ex boyfriend discovered my blog SOMEHOW. >:/
Not exactly thrilled about it, but I guess it's the risk I took writing online.

I need a planner. I honestly never thought I'd say that since I never continued to use my high school one past October. But I honestly do.

Who would've thought...

Who would've thought one day in 6 years could bring a family together?
Who would've thought my parents would be crying together when I walked in the house?
Who would've thought THEY would break up, and he'd come to ME for help?
Who would've thought that high school would fly by so fast?

Sooo much going on this weekend. And for once, there is not one thing to complain about. This is the first weekend in about 6 months that my dad has come home and instead of tears from the harsh words being thrown around, it's from watching a slideshow, or having a talk, or just my sister talking about how proud she is of me. I never thought the sound of country music and about 12 (drunk) people laughing together could be so comforting. I'd usually be annoyed by now. Instead I'm sitting here listening to the memories they're talking about and occasionally wiping away a tear.

High school is over. As I'm typing this on my new laptop and feeling the keys to my mom's car in my lap, feeling so grown up now, it's all hitting me so hard. 13 years of school, you work so hard to get through it all you know? All the drama, tears, laughs, lunch memories, class discussions, study sessions, late nights with coffee to finish book reports, deadlines and money due, homework and classwork, substitutes and crazy teachers, unforgettable people and inspirational teachers, class clowns, quiet kids, being called up to the board to finish a problem you have no clue how to solve, being called on to read a passage in a book, seaworld trips and performances in front on hundreds of people, where the only ones who matter are the judges, and your family, stupid assemblies, fun assemblies, hugs everyday, rainy day schedules, the usual way to class, seeing the same people every single day in the same exact place, nasty school pizza w/chocolate milk, grades and progress reports, open houses, "no texting in class," waking up late, daydreaming in class, it's ALL over now. Sure, most of us are going off to some college or school, but most of this will never be a part of our life again. Minus a few things here and there, you start to realize that it's the littlest things you were so used to, that you'll end up missing in the long run. Sure, not now. Maybe not even next year. But 10 years from now we'll all look back to these days and whether we're talking to our friends or our kids, we'll all smile and say "It feels like yesterday." As much as I wanted out of high school, I'm nervous about all this change coming up. An excited kind of nervous though. I'm ready now.

Ramble.

I have nothing to blog about. I feel relieved. AP testing will be over for me on Thursday at Noon. FINALLY. I'm getting the chance to bring up my grade in 1st, 4th and 5th. Oh and I'm really excited for graduation, but nervous at the same time. High School is all I've known for 4 years. Ugh. I don't know. So much change happening at once. >:/ Gradnite coming up. And prom, but I don't think I'm going. That's all for now.

Who Knew?

Long time no write. Jeeez. April has been pretty crazy, and I haven't had my computer in awhile. But the important thing is, I'm here now. Hahaha. I'm such a retard. So, the number of days til graduation gets smaller and smaller everytime I open my eyes in the morning. It's such a weird feeling. It's happy but sad. I'm anxious but nervous. What's REALLY in the "real world" and am I really stepping into it just like THAT? Okay- maybe not. I'll still be living at home. I have yet to be hired ANYWHERE that I've applied to, or even called for that matter, and I can't seem to find someone to let me borrow their car for my driving test. Hm. >: But college is a pretty big deal. And with that comes a lot of new responsibilty. I got my reality check the last time my dad was here. I kinda wish my brother was going through all of this before me, or that my sister would've went to college. Then, I would have an idea of what to expect and someone to help. But, I'm doing this alone. My parents have no clue what to expect out of college. My dad is 6 hours away til God knows when (I miss him with everything in me right about now). And my mom was completely shocked when I took her on campus. It was so hilarious. She was looking around at everything like it ws some new world she had discovered. She pulled out her phone and started taking pictures of the library. Haha. That's about as high-tech my mom will probably ever get. That and her e-mailing. I'm stressing over school right now. I missed 2 weeks straight for reasons only my parents, counselor, teachers and Carlos know about. But, I am doing everything I can to bring up my grades. Gosh, AP tests next week. I say it like it's an actual week away, but really it's 3 days away for the 1st one. Ugh. Government. Hate it. Hmm, what else is there to say. Oh, I learned how to drive a stick-shift about 2-weeks ago. I felt so accomplished. :D I think I'm going to end up taking my test in my mom's jeep. I've gotten pretty good with the clutch. And I really want my license already.
Okay, so, I asked myself some questions a few posts back once I found out I was going to SDSU. Here's the answers:

I will be living at home.
I will be a full-time student with a part-time job.
The only financial aid I qualified for was work study, and a bunch of loans.
As for my grandma, still can't touch the college fund til she passes away. But, she told my mom my graduation gift is money. She wouldn't say it if it wasn't something that would actually help out. Not just a $20 bill or something. Since the loans pay for my whole year, I copuld possibly use that towards a car? :D Maybe.

Did I mention me and Carlos aren't talking? Well, we're not. Sorry for the randomness. It just popped in my head. It's been bugging me, a little bit. Not as much as usual, just a little. I sometimes want to grab my phone and text him about something, then I realize I can't. Haha. UGH. I hate these fights. Except, like he said, it's not a fight. Harsh words were said and I don't think I could forgive it. I'm lying, I could. I just don't know if I want too. If you honestly cared enough, it would've never been said in the first place. Not that it matters though, he's being just as stubborn as me. He seems to be doing well, too. But who knows with us, all our fights end up like this. We rarely fight anymore, but when we do, it gets ugly. I love the kid to death. It's just frutrating when you care about a person so much, and it's just not the same for them. It possibly could be. But for whatever reason, they just won't show it. A friendship isn't just one person trying, giving and sacrificing while the other just sits back and relaxes. Sorry buddy, but I deserve a lot better than that. Teehee.

Omg. I've written a book. And here I was all read to talk about the past 4 years and the upcoming 4 years. Psh. We'll save that for tomorrow. I need to go to sleep. Dr. Coles in the morning. Yay. -_-

If you just realize...

Okay so, a lot has happened since the last post. Too much to type it all out. To make a long story short, new kid came in the picture. Then it was ruined by the crazy stalker. But I don't even care cause it only made me realize how much I love what I had<3 And I am still going to fight for it. :)
On to a different subject. Life. Hmmm. Lots going on still. Crazy stuff. Sad stuff. DEPRESSING stuff. And now I am ready for my fresh start tomorrow<3 :) 12 weeks of high school left. And 13 left til graduation. :) I am sooo excited. I want high school to be over already. :)
Mmm... there's wayy too much to write. And I can't stop cleaning. Plus, I have a packet of spanish hw left. :/ So I must get off. :)
I guess this was just a post because I havent blogged in awhile, and everyone who actually reads my stuff should know I am still alive. :D And to remind myself of how happy and excited I am at this moment for reasons only known to me. :) so. Imma keep fighting. I've gone through this before. Gotta keep my head upupup. :)
I'll blog more tomorrow.

What the hell do we do now?

I guess over the past week I've learned that there are honestly 3 people I'd be lost without during all these times. Yasmin, Kristine and Carlos.
Yasmin, cause she's my bestie. She gives advice. And she's there.
Kristine, cause even when she doesnt know every single detail of every single story. She'll listen. And she always has a way of making me laugh.<3 and I feel closer to her this year than ever. :)
Carlos, cause even though he DOES know every single detail of every single story, he's STILL here. And he deals with my mood swings. And random breakdowns. And my call everyday cause it's usually the only thing to cheer me up.

And I can feel it within myself, this change happening. And it's all so real. I feel older. Like I'm being talked to differently, treated differently. And me and my mom have so much of a closer relationship. It's different. I'm learning so much with so much going on. My family is a MESS! My mom has this fake act going on. Maybe it's not fake. But I know she loves him. So it has to be. Dad's "dating." Wow. Weird. And me and my sister? never in a million years. Which takes away my nephew and niece. And a lot of crying has been done thinking about how much I miss that little girl. :( And don't forget. My brother blames me for all of this.

On a completely different note. I still to this day find out more and more everytime I'm with him. And I have this sort of comfort being around him. I feel safe. And I can LAUGH. :o And joke around. Or just walk in silence. Or burst out in laughter. And make fun of the weird things going on. And lay in his arms. Play with his hands. And he kisses my forehead. And tells me his stories going on with him. And his mom will call and I have to "say something" to get him outta trouble. And it's like none of my problems are real for those few hours. And it's just us. And after 2 years, it's only become better and better. And I pray that things are always good between us. Because despite all of the things we have been through, he's my rock. My best friend. And he really has never left my side. He knows everything. He cares. He listens. He helps. He tells me when I'm wrong. Tells me when I'm right. He knows me. And I hope that it's always like that. And I finally figured out that things between us are better like this for now. And I can stop wishing. And hoping. And I know the story now. And I respect him so much more for telling me. And I honestly hope that 10 years from now he's still the one who I'll call my rock. And as unrealistic as that sounds, we've gone against all odds so far. I can do nothing but hope we still continue to do the same.

The wait is over.

I got the letter I have been anticipating for about 4 months now. I must say, it was the most amazing feeling I have felt in awhile to read "Congratulations" within the first few words. It was a mix of relief, excitement, sadness, and being nervous. And I liked it. :) My moms words after 10 minutes or so were, "That's what you call a reality check huh? I'm happy for you, but sad at the same time. This is a sign you're growing up. Well, I guess it's not THAT far." Followed by a lot of laughter. And my dad actually said that he was proud. :o Don't get me wrong at all, my dad has ALWAYS been proud of everything I do. But I know that when it comes to SDSU, he'd much rather have me at a school closer to where he's living. And as much as I miss him, I know that his job is definitely not in a permanent location. Next year he will no longer be in Vegas. Why go to school somewhere just so I can be stuck there when he'll just leave a year later? No thanks. And on the other hand, most people see SDSU as "no big deal." However, I definitely did NOT have the best GPA. And 'm talking about below a 3.0. Barely, but still below. And my SAT scores were okay. I was only allowed to apply to one school. So SDSU or southwestern college were my only options. So I took a chance. Knowing that students with a GPA of 4.4 were going to apply as well. And, I did it. So this IS a big deal to me.

Now my head is spinning with "what to dos" and "what's next?" and "Why so fast?" Growing up is scary. Now I'm faced with deciding where to live, home or away? What type of student, full-time or part-time? Job or no job? Will I qualify for financial aid? Do I call my grandma and ask? And I think I'm still in shock from it all. I'm not even 18 yet. Well, in about 11 days I will be. :p But still, these are really big decisions to make. It's like a turning point for me. Now I HAVE to keep up my grades this semester. And I can stop this stressing over it.

I'm gonna do this. This is MY choice for once. I'm doing it forme. And my future. And for the first time in a really long time, I can say I'm proud of myself. :)

Waiting.

I feel so impatient lately. I'm just waiting and waiting and waiting for the letter from SDSU to come in. I know that I said previously that it was a NO, but maybe actually seeing that letter will make it REAL to them. Or maybe I'm just setting my hopes too high.
I'm lucky enough to have my best friend in the world and my bestie of 5 years<3 supporting me and telling me to go for it. If only EVERYONE felt that way. :/

On a different note, 15 days til I'm 18! Haha. I feel like I'm so excited, but not really showing it. Not one person around here is thrilled about it. I think it might be too much of a wake up call to them. Oh well. It's happening. And they knew the day would come sooner or later. They're just going to have to live with it.
It's also the bestie's birthday in 12 days. :) Which means Neptunes as well. :) It is going to be soo exciting to see how my friends react with Carlos around. Haha. I'm so happy he's actually going. I know we've talked about it before when we were actually together. But never in a million years would I have thought he'd still wanna go. :) It's going to be so funn! We're renting a car, if my mom comes through with all this. Which I'm 99% positive she will. And I have it all planned out what I'll be doing for Yasmin too! Eeeek. Excited!

Let's see. What else is going on? Everything. Who am I kidding? But honestly, it's nothing I wanna talk or vent about. That's apparently what I have Carlos for. Which I am very very very lucky for. :)

OH! I found the prom dress I want. It is GORGEOUS. It reminds me of a Marilyn Monroe dress. Which is why it caught my eye. And it is extremely inexpensive considering it's a prom dress. :)
I hope nobody else finds it as well.


I'm out for the night. I have stupid health in the morning. >:/ I really think it's the worst class to start a day off with. The people in there are terrible. Minus Steph and Ashley. But I hardly ever get to talk to them anyways. So I'll be starting my morning off locked out of the classroom for being tardy. YAY ME! -_- Goodnight.

Just Thinking.

"Why is it that we love the ones who ignore us and ignore the ones who love us? Sometimes you need to forget what you want and remember what you deserve."

My friend Angel posted this quote in a bulletin. I swear, it couldn't have been better timing. :/ I feel stupid.

Life takes the weirdest turns.

I swear it feels like a week ago things were going perfect.
I was finally at the point with that kidd that I wanted to be at.
Friends... but just a little bit more.
And talking about neptunes had me all excited.
And things with my family were going so good. I was talking to Yasmin about how I was finally considering UNLV. And how I'll be 18 next month and driving and I was looking forward to the car.
And now....

Everything is turned completely around.
I swear I couldn't feel farther from HIM.
Neptunes is now a constant question in my head. Especially since I need to get the guest pass if he decides he still wants to go.
And I feel like my family is falling apart. I mean, it's not, but It feels like it right now.
And 18? who cares anymore. My dad won't let me go. I can't grow up in his eyes yet and its holding me back. The car? HA. Dad made it verrryy clear he's too scared about me driving. Looks like I'm buying myself a car.
And now... my parents.

I'm so sick of the fake smile now. Everyone thinks I'm soooo happy. I guess that's my fault for putting on the big act. But it's getting to me now. I need a break. I can't be EVERYONES rock. And I can't hold EVERYTHING in anymore. I'm too stressed. Schools the only thing I have to look forward too believe it or not, and I have to end up missing that too apparently.

This is lame.
I miss my cousin.
I miss being able to talk to my other half too.

I need to pray.
I hope things change. I need it right now.

Dreading a 4 day weekend?! :o

Yeah, basically.
Ugh. I don't see how this weekend could even go any worse. That's the bright side of the whole situation.
I don't get how my dad could even THINK like that?
"Oh let's go out to dinner and ruin Brittany's Valentine's Day by making her babysit. :D"
It's bad enough that I'll be in Vegas, hey why not throw in being stuck alone with an 8 year old and 2 year old who HATES me.
-_-
Like I have no life at all. Ew.



At least I'll see my dad, and his new house. Considering it'll probably be the last time I see him til a week or so after I turn 18. YIPPEE.
NAHT.



I'm not even looking forward to my birthday anymore. All everyone's decided to do is whine and complain about how excited I am over nothing.
THANKS guys. :D





On a much much much happier note, I saw Carlos for the first tiime in about a month. I gave him the Valentine's Day stuff I made him, early. Since I won't be here. I was so shocked that I actually got BUTTERFLIES. And my heart was racing. And I acted like a middle schooler all giggly and what not. It was like being put back into time to about a year ago. And even though I'm not supposed to feel that anymore, I enjoyed it. :)

Ugh.

SDSU is a NO.
ugh. How lame is that? :( wtf do i do now? whooo knowws.

Anyways, I should be in Vegas for this 4 day weekend. And I am NOT thrilled about it at all.
Way to make Valentine's day even worse than it really is. :/

School's going goood. I can FINALLY say that for once since last year. :D
Family is good as well.
Boy's are not a priority right now.
And friends are...okay. :)


So life's iffy right now.
But as I learned this weekend, it's wayyy tooo damn short.
You never know when it can be taken from you.
so live everyday like it was your last.
and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Note to Self:

It's never gonna change.

For the Record.

Just because I don't show it, doesn't mean it's not there.

Today was an okay day.
Sometimes I feel like I don't learn enough in A.P. Government.
I guess that would be my fault though.
Science was boring. As usual, Mr. Olmos had no idea what he was talking about half the time.
But the crazy blonde lady who appeared then disappeared was pretty funny. :)
I spent lunch with Yasmin. I feel like we caught up on a few things.
I'm so happy I have her this year!
Then 6th period I caught up with a really old friend.

Now, I'm home. And I finally get to relax.
I guess my day was pretty much boring and uneventful.
But, I needed that today.
Therefore, it was an okay day. :)

New Start.

So, since I'm locked out of my wordpress account, I'm starting NEW. Months and months of blogging. GONE. Why? Cause some idiot tried to hack me too many times, and couldn't figure out my password. UGH. :/. So, I decided to start fresh on a new site. :)



Anyways,



First day of the last semester. Whooo. NOT! I'm so ready to graduate already. There's so much going on in my life right now, why do I wanna waste time in classes that are a joke? Like health and ceramics. What the heck am I gonna get out of that class that's gonna help me in the real world? And to even try to describe some of the people at school, I won't even get started. I am soo lucky to have the friends that I do<3



I feel a BIG change coming up. It's already happening, I just can't point it out. But, I'm job hunting right now. I think I'd pretty much settle for anything at the moment. I need some sort of income coming in BY the beginning of March. It's hard to believe that in a little over a month I'll be legally considered an adult. I'll have a license and a car. I'll be receiving college admissions letters. I'll be making choices on where I'll be living the next 4-6 years. It's a little overwhelming right now.





I need sleep.

Goodnight.